Nose to the Grindstone

This last week I looked up from my habit tracking and self-improvement systems and instantly lost my way.  It was not a good feeling. But, with the help of the people around me, I have regained my composure.  Today was a good day.  Tomorrow looks good from here.  I can't see it yet, but I can feel it.

One of the mantras I picked up this last summer goes like this, "my conviction to maintain my disciplines is the outward sign of self-love."  

I needed that discipline to get me over this last hump. Unfortunately, this last week I started to worry that my life was not moving forward as I anticipated.  It's taking longer to see any results than I had expected when I started this journey in 2019.  This lack of progress made me feel exhausted and hopeless.  If I could see a little light at the end of this tunnel, that would be great.  But what I have instead is the feeling of discipline, the neatly stacked stones of my habits and systems.  In the darkness, I can feel them under my hand as I shuffle down the dark tunnel.  

I keep moving my base forward a little bit at a time.  There is no light at the end of this tunnel.  It's all under construction.  There is no end prepared in advance, only the journey.  This moment is where I need to focus.  Being overly optimistic about how long my situation will take to resolve compared to where I am actually at with my progress knocked the wind out of me.  

My husband and I are big fans of a character from the Donny Darko movie.  The PE Teacher / Mom, who questions Mrs. Darko's wine glass swirling mother's "commitment to sparkle motion."  My commitment to getting better and reframing my life and expectations to reflect my actual abilities press on.